Hands Full Of Shells

Do you ever just feel like weeping when you realize how far your life is from where you know it ought to be? It's like you can grasp the life that you know is best, but you can't seem to bring yourself to extend your hand.

I am in a guilty, lonely, awful place right now; and yet, my life appears to be going very well. I am volunteering, I'm doing a lot with Campus Life, I'm spending time with the kind of people Jesus would spend time with, I'm getting enough sleep, I'm getting work, etc, etc, etc. But in all of this I have such little time to spend with Jesus because I'm too busy convincing myself and everyone else that I am Jesus.

To be like Jesus means to make everyone happy, right? Wrong! However, I can't seem to convince myself of that. I can't say no. It's like deep down I either believe that every opportunity to do a "good deed" is divine providence, or I believe my worth comes from people liking me and stroking my Christian pride. I'd bet it's both, but far more the latter than the former.

I am overwhelmed with stress, and yet when I step back and look at my life... yes, I'm quite busy... but not as busy as I feel. I sincerely believe that I am destroying my spirit by being a control freak and not taking a day of rest. I haven't taken a Sabbath quite some time. I haven't poured over the Word like I should and like I used to. I believe that if I don't do something, it won't be done right. And for some reason I believe that deadlines are just that, a timeframe where if I do not accomplish a task by its required date, somebody else or myself will indeed DIE! It's common sense really, considering that I am the most important man in the world.

I've known about this problem. I've done a lot of pondering over a simple answer. I have wallowed in the waters of my discontent, barely stirring toward the obvious solution of that which my heart shreiks in indignation over.

Tonight, at the near pinnacle of guilt, stress, and unsatisfaction, I took a few minutes to watch this Nooma video I had not viewed yet. I had no idea what the subject of it was, and it spoke very directly to the issue I am facing. My hands are so full of stuff I want to do, that I'm largely ignoring the purpose God has called me to.

I'm not going to say that everything Rob Bell says is completely without flaw, but the idea is very true, even if the connotation of the wording is slightly misleading at times.

Maybe you're in a similar place I'm at, and need to lose control. Maybe you're in a healthier place and can give a word or two of advice and encouragement to those like me, prone to relying on works and not on grace and peace. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus the author and perfecter of our faith, he is the One Thing.

Shalom