Resentment

I'm noticing that I am a person full of resentment. When things don't go my way I get frustrated, angry, and feel sorry for myself. The funny thing is that 99% of the time it's things I can't change that do this to me. I suppose it's because I'm the kind of guy who changes what I can to make things the way I think they ought to be. But some things are just out of my hands. You can't really change other people too much, you can't change a lot of your physical attributes, and you certainly can't change the past.

Being resentful towards people, who aren't acting as I want them to, just isn't fair. It's selfish and makes me feel like I'm a toddler vying for the toy the other kid has, and crying a miserable sob when my attempts end in knowing failure. It's one thing when what I want is the other person's best interest... it's another when it's first and foremost my best interest. Although my will is typically the center of my universe, it is all too often not at the top of other people's priority list. But I will get very angry sometimes when they aren't using my eyes to see the world. Strangely enough, God doesn't use my eyes to see the world very often either, nor does He consider many of my suggestions for "what is best."

It's also not right or fair for me to resent myself, my parents, my genes, or my God for making me the way I am. Given the luxury of vision, we pay the price of unrelenting comparisons. Physique, eyes, hair, teeth, nose, chin, skin pigment, skin clarity, height, weight, etc. etc. etc. Every time I open my eyes in public, in front of a TV, or a magazine, or even a church bulletin often times, I am confronted with a person, a body party, a style, a class of attractiveness, or just a level of individual "success" that begs me to judge myself by its standard. It usually ends one of two ways; criticism of them or criticism of myself, and the self-loathing, self-pitying depression that can follow either.

This system will motivate some to better themselves, but even the best reactions to this embedded way of life are unhealthy and destructive at the core. I need to be me. The best me I can be, which is the me God created me to be. I need to take a step back and realize that being the best me isn't for me at all, it's for He. He is the one who should receive the glory for whom I was created to be. His design was not implemented for me to be a towering example of human stature and health, that others may marvel at my impressiveness. I was made for humility, that exaltation might belong to Him who deserves it, and can handle it. When I get caught up comparing and seeing what I lack, I neglect what I've been given and the purpose for which I've been given it.

But whether a beautiful model, or an easy-going hippie, we all have a tendency to regret things in our past. To get so distracted, so entangled, so troubled that we made that mistake or entered into that relationship. We tried that, and haven't been able to stop ever since. Or we wasted our life for so long. We can resent history, and unable to forgive ourselves, we create a bleak outlook for our future. Void of hope, we cave under the weight of our perceived failures, which only perpetuates them all the more. "If Only" is our daily recited mantra. We quietly remind ourselves of it in our mind, "If only... everything could be different... I could be different... they might not have had to..."

Once again we sing the tune of the desire for our own glory. With a God who is sovereign; who ordains all good and bad things that come to pass, how can you live a life resenting your past? Surely throw off the guilt and shame from past sins, but embrace the good that can or has come from it. The growth in understanding, being able to relate with the broken-hearted, an appreciation for grace, peace, forgiveness, and love, or just the passion for life. We surely have a God who works the bad for good according to His will. If God has allowed the actions I took to pass, then that means he planned it and has a purpose for it. We no longer need to be bogged down by those things, but we need to embrace grace shown by God, and continue in His way.

If God is truly sovereign and in control, there is no longer any reason to resent that which you can't change, who you were designed to be, or the things that have already happened and are now behind you. Simply rest. Rest assured that He is God and He is sovereign.