The Good Life?

I constantly have this war inside of me anymore. Am I doing well, am I doing right, or am I doing wrong?

When I see good things come from my life or I hear a motivating message or ideas that lines up with goals and beliefs I have, I feel confident. I feel like this must be right because it's exciting and I'm not the only one supporting these ideals, lifestyles, and beliefs.

On the other side of the coin I often feel like I'm a complete loser at life. I don't have the things people want me to have. I don't look how culture wants me to look, so I am jabbed with criticisms for it. I don't think like most people think. I don't live how people think I should live, so I feel like an outcast. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even a nice person to be around, because there are some who don't seem to appreciate my company or get annoyed with me far more often than I'd like.

I know everyone thinks this is my identity "being different and radical." And sometimes it is that, but not usually. Am I radical and different? Yes, but not as much as I aspire to be. The thing about that last few statements is that this isn't a relative thing for me. This isn't something where I always want to be the same distance from society in my non-conformist attitude. I'm mostly static, but not completely.

I see an overall idea of how the world should be and I'm working toward it. I look radical right now for two reasons.

#1. The world is much different than I believe God desires it to be

#2. I emphasize what I believe to be the wrong more often than applauding what is good in our culture.


The thing I really don't understand is why I am so offensive to people. I don't rub how I live in their face; at least I try not to do so knowingly. I share my thoughts on life as much as possible, but I don't think I condemn people for how we differ.

My goal is to help and care. I want to find good things in life that we have forgotten about or journeyed away from in our country's or our humanity's history... maybe even some things we had never found before, and I want to offer them to people. Not force, but offer. I would love nothing more than for us to celebrate in truth at the glory of the unveiling of God's desire for humanity.

But maybe it's arrogance to think that I have found anything good or true in my short number of years. Maybe it's my own conceit that makes me think that I have found anything better than the next guy (or girl).

One can rationalize their own way that isn't appreciated by quoting scripture saying "the way of God is foolishness to those who don't believe," or that we are to be a "peculiar people." But does what you're doing accomplish anything? Maybe the proof is in the pudding.

I have a few people who take note of what I'm exploring and have started journeying with me in their own way, but the overwhelming majority resents me for it. I feel largely alone and unable to express what is deepest in me, and scared even to share joy I have found in partaking of a new discovery. Instead of unifying I feel as though I've become a dividing force. Perhaps most of all my life is dividing me from everyone else.

God forgive me if my next action is apart from you, be it staying true to the path I'm on or diverging to the road more traveled.